Fix Your Sexless Marriage
By: Nav Thema
Sexless marriage? Or lack thereof? No worries, it happens to the best of us! If you follow the instructions below, you’ll be able to reignite the passion and have a great sex life once again.
In this article, we’ll look at why all couples experience a lack of sex and what to do to remedy this problem. So, let’s fix your sexless marriage asap!
By the way, if you want to know how to reignite the passion and learn how to create an incredible marital sex life, get our FREE ebook “The 5 Secret Techniques To Bring Back The Fire”
Fix Your Sexless Marriage
“We never have sex!” In the beginning of your relationship, the sex was great and you had lots of it. But now things are different. Although, you could have never even imagined being “one of those couples,” sex has either become a rare treat or is possibly non-existent altogether. But here’s what you need to know: a lack of sex in marriage is natural, normal, and it happens to the best of us.
The Honeymoon Effect
Science has found what most of us already knew: the longer a couple is married, the less sex they have. Most couples begin to experience a more dramatic decline in sexual activity (about 50%) after the first year of marriage. Researchers call this “the honeymoon effect.” Other studies suggest that the passion dwindles after about 18-36 month into the relationship. Either way, there’s less sex the longer two people know each other.
Dopamine & Oxytocin
Here’s what happens: In the beginning, everything is just so awesome. Everything is new and exciting. There’s thrill, adventure, and novelty. From a physiological perspective, your dopamine levels are off the charts!
However, as with any other drug (yes, sex = drug), over time you start developing a so-called “tolerance”: you need more sex, more intensity, and more stimulation to achieve the same result. Your brain is simply not putting out as much dopamine as it once was. This means that sex is not that exciting anymore and as time passes, it basically becomes “old news,” and, therefore, somewhat “boring.”
Furthermore, oxytocin levels, known as the “the cuddle hormone,” decrease as well. Oxytocin spikes after you have an orgasm and makes you want to get close to your partner after sex. It makes you feel more emotionally connected. That’s why we like to schmooze after we made love.
So, to sum it up: Dopamine = low and oxytocin = low.
Responsibilities & Ambitions
Once we come down from the initial “love high,” there are also responsibilities that have to be taken care of. After all, life is demanding. We have career goals and dreams that we want to accomplish. A financial future has to be secured and you and your spouse want to do your best to contribute to the relationship as a whole. So, often for the sake of ambition and stability, we sacrifice the health of our marriage.
For many couples, the birth of a child directly coincides with a lack of passion for each other. The child comes first, and the relationship is being put on hold. Even though a child requires a lot of attention, you need to keep your marriage strong during those demanding times. Otherwise, your kid might end up becoming a child of divorce as it grows up.
Is sex important in a marriage?
Yes, sex is important for the health of a marriage because it helps cultivate and strengthen the emotional connection between you and your spouse.
A strong emotional connection is the true secret to a happy marriage. Without it, a marriage turns dull and lifeless but with it, a marriage becomes vibrant, fun, and truly fulfilling. And since sex supports the creation of emotional intimacy more than anything else, you shouldn’t leave it out or neglect it.
How much sex should a couple have?
It’s not about a number, it’s about being on the same page! After all, your sexual needs might be very different from your spouse’s sexual needs. If one wants more sex than the other, don’t pick one extreme over the other but try to find a happy medium!
Nevertheless, I’m sure you want somewhat of a baseline: According to surveys, “happily married” couples have sex about 1-2 times a week (or 1.4 times to be exact). Furthermore, studies suggest that failing to have sex at least once a month appears to be a strong indicator for marital dissatisfaction and divorce.
Fix Your Sexless Marriage In 4 Simple Steps
So, now that we have covered why couples experience a lack of passion in marriage, let’s look at what we can do to regain it.
What is holding you two back? Begin to investigate where those issues surrounding sex stem from. Is your past affecting your present? Are there health problems? Or is one of you (or both of you) damaging the emotional intimacy in your marriage? Things like anger, resentment, trust issues etc. can act as love blockers and prevent you from having the sex life you want.
Ask yourself, what is holding you back from having the sex life you deserve? And if you feel like your spouse might struggle with something, talk about it in a non-threatening way. Just let them know that you miss having sex with them, that you miss their touch and that you love to feel that connection again.
Get on the same page. Remember, it’s not about how often you two have sex, it’s about whether or not you two are on the same page! So, try to find common ground when it comes to sex.
Often one spouse wants more sex than the other. Then it is important to find a happy medium. Maybe one of you would like to try something new but maybe it’s too kinky for the other. Try to compromise and be forthcoming. You can always start small and work your way up. Baby steps first.
Reserve time for each other. Make sure you time block and actually spend quality time together. This is absolutely crucial! You can’t wait for sex to happen, you have to take initiative and make it happen. Period. After all, problems don’t solve themselves. (Sorry, to be frank here.)
So, if necessary, schedule sex. Lots of marriage therapists suggest this and even though it doesn’t sound very sexy, it really does help! Take your spouse out on a date and just do what you used to do in the beginning of your relationship when things were still fresh and exciting.
Novelty. Do something new or different! The main reason why sex decreases in marriage is that it becomes “old news.” Therefore, we as married people have to consistently make a conscious effort to keep things fresh and exciting.
Keep in mind: it really doesn’t have to be kinky at all, it just has to be different. Go to stores such as lover’s lane, shop the web together, read an erotic novel together or try aphrodisiacs. The possibilities are endless!
Get sensual. If your marriage is struggling in the bedroom department, simply start by being more sensual instead of sexual and just stop forcing it. Relax. Focus on touching and kissing and enjoying each other’s presence, closeness, and touch. You could also give your spouse a massage, and if you really want to make it happen, make it a naked massage and maybe use oils, i.e. coconut oil.
To sum it up, what you want to fix your sexless marriage, start by opening up a conversation with your spouse and discuss why you two are experiencing a lack of intimacy and passion in your relationship, to begin with. See, it’s not about blaming anyone here, it’s about expressing and listening to each other’s needs and wants. Find common ground, set a goal together and start blocking out some time where you two only focus on each other. In order to make things more interesting and get the juices flowing, try out new things.