How to ‘C’ Your Way to a Happy Marriage
By: Vandana Narula
“Marriages are made in heaven” but the fact is they require work, effort and continual nourishment to be made a success. It means giving yourself and all you can in this God given responsibility as they say “till death do us apart”
Commitment means you’ve promised to stay and work it through, not just today but forever. Commitment means not only making a choice but it is making a choice to give up choices and we don’t like to give up options in life, this simple truth explains why marriages can be so difficult. Although this might at first sound limiting, it actually brings great freedom and depth. No longer does the committed person need to weigh which person or way of life will bring more happiness. Once committed, all one’s energy goes into making this commitment work; no longer are other possibilities a distraction
Great marriages are based on a deep commitment that casts aside all options but one….More and more couples fear committing in marriage because they have seen so many marriages fail.
“It’s easy to be committed to your relationship when it’s going well but when the road gets tough it’s the I WILL attitude that makes it work. The attitude should be ‘I’m totally committed to this marriage and committed to doing what it takes to make this relationship work.’
It is the foundation of not only any marriage but any relationship. Communicating with love and patience and truth is the basis of all good marriages. How often do the couples tune each other out? In our fast paced lives we have lost the zeal to spend time listening and chatting with each other. Media and cell phones have taken over .Media and texting can never compare to the closeness of one to one communication and texting is often misunderstood and can cause misunderstandings due to miscommunication and the inability to see the emotional reaction of the recipient. Many problems in marriage can be resolved with a honest communication. I have often told many couples in therapy that many more useful solutions exist, beginning with honest communication about the seriousness of one’s feelings. In another blog I am going to write about why texting is the most unreliable form of communication.
Are you and your partner thinking outside the box when it comes to your relationship?
Generally couples that have been together for many years begin to feel a sense of staleness in their relationship. Maybe they have ongoing conflict and difficulty resolving it, or maybe they simply feel like they’ve lost the passion and excitement they once had. You have been married for 10 years… Or maybe even just two years… ask yourself these questions… Is the relationship still fun and fresh? Are you and your partner getting the most out of your marriage? When this happens to a couple, whether they’ve been together for 20 years or two years, the partners begin to grow apart and disconnect from each other and to fix the ongoing problem, many couples end up forcing a solution by pushing harder and ultimately doing the same thing over and over . So many of us are regularly exhausted that it’s bound to detract from the energy we give each other. You and your spouse need to take daily steps in making things work. Be creative and come up with some different ideas about what you can do as a couple, The need is to bring newness in marriages, bringing flowers, going out for coffee or maybe just a candle light dinner ,an exotic holiday are some of the…..so called investments of a good marriage which are not always so much possible perhaps thoughtful efforts are a close second to those ultra creative ones picking up dinner on a busy night, offering to help with the kids’ or bedtime routine, or offering to run some errands.
The success mantra of any marriage is consistency. Show me a relationship where a couple is ALWAYS communicating; ALWAYS romantic; ALWAYS loving; ALWAYS understanding, ALWAYS forgiving. However, all couples long to experience a sense of emotional safety in their marriage, the sense that stability exists between you and your partner, knowledge that you’ll be there for each other when needed. Believing and feeling that your partner is there for you when you need them is emotionally grounding, and can instill you with a sense of hope, connection and comfort that transcends time and location. But this sense of security doesn’t just arise out of thin air. You have to demonstrate to your partner throughout that you are committed and emotionally available to them. Although consistency is hard work in a marriage but it is still worth the struggle for perfection. Physically spending time together can be more healing and effective than you think ,Always and unconditionally being there for each other brings the security which only a marriage can provide.
Honesty and openness helps build compatibility in marriage. Most of us want an honest relationship with our spouse. Lies or deceit whatever the issue is big or small whether it’s about finances, a secret bank account, or a relationship destroys trust. Your spouse will have a harder time taking you at your word. Even if he or she forgives the dishonesty, it will be more difficult for them to trust you with the things they value. It can be like a cloud of uneasiness and tension hanging over your relationship until that trust is restored. Another important reason for couples straying is lack of attention .My take is that no wife or husband can justify an affair because they feel as if they are not getting enough attention or they are bored. Infidelity is one of the most difficult issues a couple can face, although it can be overcome. To sum it all marriages can be hard. There are complicated kids to raise in an ever-changing world, bills to pay, jobs that we don’t always love, and unexpected surprises along the way—some good, some bad. You can survive it all—if you can count on one another. Give your marriage the opportunity to thrive by being transparent and trustworthy with your mate .Trust is a precious commodity in a marriage. Neither should men or women simply just accept a loveless relationship in which they feel ignored or cheated.
Care in marriage is doing what it takes to make each other happy. It has already been mentioned in consistency, creativity and communication but I wanted to put this in a separate header. I have seen committed marriages with a lot of consistency and communication but they can’t be called happy marriages because of the absence of care. Couples are together all the time but still lonely. Loneliness inside a marriage is a major burden. When you were married, you and your spouse both promised to care for each other, and you expected that care from each other. You were in love, and you were highly motivated to make each other happy. But it might not have occurred to you at the time that if you didn’t care for each other the right way, you might lose your love for each other. And along with your loss of love, you might lose your willingness to care for each other .Caring for each other is the best ways to show you love each other. It keeps couples together not because they are in marriage but because they want and enjoy being with each other